I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
