if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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