ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
