My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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