I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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