but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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