I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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