My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
