If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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