wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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