Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
