Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
