I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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