I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
