What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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