Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
