was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Someone came in the potted fern
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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