I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
