please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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