I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
