Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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