after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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