Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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