4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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