oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
