walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
