haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
