I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
