Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
