I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I need a beard to bite.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
