Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
