Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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