i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
