Need sex. Gaining weight.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
