Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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