We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
