Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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