Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
