We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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