he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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