my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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