My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
