Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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