Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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