Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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