I'm so fucking centered right now
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
