Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
even my farts smell like vagina
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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