just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
