Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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