my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
